Wednesday, 14 July 2021

Transit: five minute interval walk


6.19am:
A white, long wheelbase, high top, 15 plate Ford Transit van with Modern Handling Services Ltd livery in a bold red sans serif. Parked, two wheels on the pavement, two in the road (Heaton Road).


6.24am:

Green white and red vinyl banner approx 6’x1½’. Attached to park railings in Park Drive South with fourteen black cable ties through small brass eyelets. It reads “Learn to play croquet in Huddersfield” in a bold white sans serif, with details of courses and contact email address in smaller red text underneath.

6.29am:

The midges illuminated by the low sun appear as tiny airborne pin pricks of light. The four sided Victorian glass lamp on the park gates also appears to be illuminated but this is also a trick of the light from the low sun.


6.34am:

The trees on Castlegate Loop include cypress, common lime, some kind of large willow. From my position on the New North Road side of the flyover only the canopy is visible above the blue railings.


6.39am:

The slightly splay footed gait of the man walking ten metres in front of me on Southgate. He is wearing blue Nike trainers, a black North Face backpack, shorts, t-shirt, baseball cap — black. He is drinking from a cardboard carton with a short straw.


6.44am:

A white, long wheelbase, high top, 17 plate Ford Transit van. No livery. A set of long ladders on the roof. Parked in the yard at York House next to the small rotten wooden window with leaf pattern textured glass (Pilkington ‘Autumn’ design?) and an unusual bespoke iron grill.

Sunday, 11 October 2020

Post Round Portrait Number 7

I took a photograph on the hour every hour and captioned it with the first thing that was said to me after having done so.


7am: What are you doing now?



8am: This is crazy, fucking crazy.



9am: Yes* 

*Bleary eyed and half swallowed. Accompanied by thumbs up.



10am: Sorry if you’ve been waiting a while, mate.



11am: Hi. Oh, right.



12 noon: Ta, love. See ya.



1pm: I’m in no hurry, I won’t be loading till last anyway.



2pm: I thought that was you then.

Wednesday, 23 September 2020

Post Round Portrait Number 6

I took a photograph on the hour every hour and captioned it with the first thing that was said to me after having done so.

7am: I’m getting like you, Kev. I’m taking photos out on delivery. I’m taking photos of random shoes and stuff. I took one of a shoe on a wall yesterday, I’ll show it you in a bit.


8am: Yes, the lift is still not working.


9am: I don’t know, do I? I don’t know what the hell’s going on.


10am: Hiya. Thanks. See you.


11am: Cheers. Thank you very much. See you.


12 noon: Hiya, how are you? Everything all right?


1pm: Got owt for here? Give it here if you like, if I can get this glove off, it’s wet through now.


2pm: A'right, pal?

Thursday, 17 September 2020

Post Round Portrait Number 5

I took a photograph at half past the hour every hour and captioned it with the first thing that was said to me after having done so.


7.30am: It’s like being married to an old washer woman working with you.

8.30am: What are you not telling me? How many dogs are there on here? Have you seen it?

9.30am: Thank you very much!

10.30am: Hiya, thank you.

11.30am: Twenty-five?

12.30pm: New man on today, eh? Bob off?

1.30pm: Please insure [sic] the handbrake is fully applied before leaving the vehicle.

2.30pm: It’s the week commencing the fourteenth, isn’t it? That’s right, I’ve got tomorrow off.

Monday, 7 September 2020

Post Round Portrait Number 4

I took a photograph on the hour every hour and captioned it with the first thing that was said to me after having done so.

7am: Just to spoil your day even more, it's raining.

8am: Are you John today?

9am: Mrs Mason at the flats gave me this on Saturday, "Ooh, can you take me this? I can't get to the post office". By the time I got done the post office was shut! I've had to take it home with me and now I'm gonna have to call at the post office on my way out.

10am: Morning! Load of crap? Thank you, love.

11am: What? Him next door? No, he's a nutter.

12 noon: You're a brave soul in just your shirt sleeves.

1pm: Thank you very much.

2pm: Just leave it on the doorstep, I'll pick it up in a minute.

Sunday, 6 September 2020

Post Round Portrait Number 3

I took a photograph on the hour every hour and captioned it with the first thing that was said to me after having done so. 

7am: Looks like I'm getting hammered here.


8am: I'm in (van no.) CV18. That was close, I nearly got CV19.


9am: Cheers. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers.


10am: Hiya. Thanks. Bye.


11am: Hello. Thank you. Have a good day.


12noon: Sorry, we had the dryer on, we didn't hear you.


1pm: I'm up at Hall Bower! I've got 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 left. I'll see you on Jackroyd.


2pm: Richard Dawson and Lily Allen. All paid for. Do you need a bag?

Friday, 4 September 2020

Post Round Portrait Number 2

I took a photograph on the hour, every hour and captioned it with the first thing that was said to me after having done so.

7am: Who's making Harmesh swear now?


8am: To be honest the mechanic shouldn't be parked there, should he?


9am: Eagle's just given me thirteen chuck-outs. That's an hour more work he's just given me, the dozy bastard.


10am: The numbering's funny round here. I think it's the end one, right round the back. If it's not that one, it's the one next door. It's definitely one of those two anyway.


11am: Can you just leave them on the bench, I'll be out for them shortly.


12 noon: Sweet, mate.


1pm: Oh hello, what's this then?


2pm: Just leave it with her. She'll not say owt and I'll not say owt so... It'll be right.

Thursday, 3 September 2020

Post Round Portrait Number 1

I took a photograph on the hour every hour and captioned it with the first thing that was said to me after having done so. Captions include comments and questions from colleagues, customers and the pre-recorded woman who issues regular warnings from somewhere within my dashboard.

7am: What were you doing having a day off yesterday? It was mad busy. Disgraceful.


8am: Have you heard what those kids did to that bloke at Linthwaite? It was in the Examiner yesterday. They tried to cut his head off.


9am: Have you seen Porky’s?


10am: WARNING! PLEASE INSURE [sic] THE HANDBRAKE IS FULLY APPLIED BEFORE LEAVING THE VEHICLE.


11am: WARNING! PLEASE INSURE [sic] THE HANDBRAKE IS FULLY APPLIED BEFORE LEAVING THE VEHICLE.


12 noon: Sorry, wet dog! She's very wet and muddy.


1pm: Thank you very much. Cheers. That's lovely. Bye.


2pm: Good afternoon, is that for us?