Sunday, 28 December 2014

2014 has been a great year for holding a digestive biscuit between your teeth.



2014 has been a great year for:

Holding a digestive biscuit between your teeth while you watch a flock of geese.
Laying some new, bright yellow concrete flags directly over the old cracked ones.
Having a bit of cake on your face.
Selling the stone flags from your yard and replacing them with dog shit.
Poking a yolky knife at a picture of a semi-naked man.
Discovering two frogs in amplexus on the steps of the house that once featured on TV’s Grand Designs programme.
Emptying your catheter bag into the storm drain by the bedroom furniture shop.
Adjusting your vest top and putting out your cigarette (as a mark of respect).
Asserting that steam railways make life worth living.
Watching two ducks eat some chips.
Being a goth, then normal, then a muslim.
Spraying an old push-bike yellow in the rain.
Having two-thirds of your arse showing while you mend a Transit Connect.
Sleeping in a shopping basket attached to a walking frame.
Cycling.
Being in your 60s with a crew-cut-and-rat-tail and referring to your Mercedes using the pronouns ‘She’ and ‘Her’.
Asking Robert, ‘Have you any food on?’
Calling Robert ‘A robbing bastard’.
Holding a gobbing-out-of-the-window-contest in a Fiat 500.
Wearing noteworthy trainers and a low maintenance hairstyle to have your tits grabbed by Kyle.
Recommending a cut of pork loin.
Selling a pebble for a pound.
Being inside a Range Rover.
Swallowing a mouse in just three gulps.
Being important enough in Fair-Isle and corduroy.
Watching crows squabbling while you piss against a tree.
Wearing nightclothes in the daytime.
Polishing your alloys while smoking weed.
Avoiding soiled nappies and an enraged goose.
Sharing jokes and cigarettes outside a strip club.
Wearing your hard-hat over your hood.
Talking to the lonely pig on the moor.
Bemoaning all this rigmarole.